As I sit here in my living room in front of the amber flamed fire, I find myself sharing this note that I randomly came across, a one-off journal/diary/rant note. I wrote this note back in September, 2010 or 07/09/2010 at 16:00 to be precise. Definitely a day of dark clouds and depressing thoughts.
18 years of getting an education. I am 25 years old. Almost 4/5th of my life and more than two thirds of my life has been spent in schools, colleges and universities. I have a decent enough CV, so i think, that would lead me to my chosen profession, or vocation as i would like to believe.
Yet, despite all of this so called learning, i still wait anxiously to greet some good news. MintfreshMuslim, you’re just what we’re looking for, with all the right qualities we require for our school. We feel you have the potential to make progress for yourself and more importantly for the children here who will come to see you as a positive role model. Please start as soon as possible, yes the job is full time and yes, it is yours to keep for good.
Ever since i left my first and last full time post, i have been hopeful that i will find something suitable. A school that needs me more than it needs me. In reality, things rarely work out how you want, the way you have it sketched out in our mind, or how you dream them up in your subconscious.
My parents had their hopes and expectations of education paying off for the hard work we put in during our growing up years. Don’t give people reason to disgrace us my mum would say. Why it is that this particular command remains constant in my mind and how did i become the one who would ultimately feel humiliated for not being employed.
It hits at you. Picks at you. The get up and go spirit has vanished and is replaced with a demoralising sense of failure. The failure on my part to be able to make something of myself. Despite all the years of sweat and tears to enable me to potentially do something useful with my life. I pray and pray and pray. and i wait. Trying to wait patiently.
But it is testing. Very testing. My day is full of hopelessness and grey clouds.
And here I am, at the other end of the field, the lighter and brighter side. Well actually, there are still dark clouds, but only the ones in the sky outside my bay windows. Difference is, I now have the inner strength to see the bright blue sky hiding before the clouds, reminding me that nothing stays the same, saying "watch, just watch and find out". Life can change in moments and the thunder you once feared tests you to use the strength in your bones to see the fear through. It can empower you to be more determined in not giving up and to always hold on to the faith passed on through your parents. The faith to have faith in Allah subhanawatallah.
I am still 25 years old, though I don't feel it. I feel somewhat older, after everything that has been going on in my life recently (I feel I am at least 26 years old!). This year has steadied on as a progressive one mashaAllah, where no two months have ever been the same (not that they ever are, huh). And I truly have been blessed to have the support and love of my best friend and confidante, my darling hubby who has helped me get through what felt like some of the darkest months of my life. And of course my dearest and loving family, especially my mother and sisters who have been the backbone of my strength in the past ten months.
For now, I am deeply grateful to Allah for opening the right doors and windows in the events of my life this far and pray that He continues to be in my heart. My life is still happening and I need Him more than ever. I hope that I can continue in my attempt to stick to my New Year's resolution of finding happiness in whatever Allah puts me through, because like everything else preceding it, it too will pass. InshaAllah.
*25 moments in a year of being aged 25 to be noted soon.
Light rushing in through the bay windows, surrounding us with warmth and happiness – yes, we have moved into our new home. Alhamdulilah.
After ten months of living in a brand new city, alien to us both, the hubs and I have finally found the house of our dreams. And we feel humble and ever so grateful to the Almighty for blessing us with this piece of land, this house and home which is now ours. Such a strange feeling. It almost feels unreal and yet here we are, in the midst of settling in, with packing, unpacking and rearranging taking over our minds. It is real.
We picked up the keys from the seller on Wednesday and walked the short distance from her friend’s house to ours. Err, umm, is this actually happening, we both thought with probably an unexplained screwed up and perplex look on our faces. We stepped in, breathing in Allah’s name and carried a copy of our Qur’an in hand. A quiet trio we were, with strength and happiness, the Almighty, the hubs and I. And a trio we shall remain until the day we finally have a family of our own, little mints filling the house with noise and busy-ness! Best comes to those who wait though, and so I shall because patience really is a virtue that cannot and should not be dismissed. Everything happens in sequence and takes its own path, I look forward to that day.
** I wrote this post a while back just a few days after we had moved in. Sadly, our net connection is still in process at the moment (BT have a funny way of welcoming new customers) and I am posting this from our beloved flat. Strange feeling having my possessions all over the place! I am supposed to be doing some school work and packing but the blogosphere has sucked me in!
Even writing this one sentence seems to be an unusual feeling at the moment, it really has been forever since I was last here. I even forgot my password the first two attempts I tried logging in just now - thank God I finally cracked it, yes, you'd be correct in thinking that I felt something of a hacker logging into my own personal blog account, silly but there you go.
So what brings me here you may ask. Or perhaps equally as intriguing, why was I ever away for this long in the first place? Hmm.
I have, contray to what you may think dear Bloggie, been a frequent visitor on these shores. From checking through other fellow bloggers updates, to pondering over my own blog, I have been here, just not seen nor heard.
And to be perfectly honset I didn't mind that, not one bit. Plodding along with life has suited me just fine. But a written record of my life's account is something worth coming back here for. This place also suited me just fine when I was experiencing some of life's highs and lows so why should I not carry on with it?
So without going into the ins and outs of my life for the past year, I just want to say hey/hola/warup and check in before I make myself comfortable. It may not be immediate or even tomorrow when I sign in and wave my hand again, but just know that I am here with the intention to share my life with you, just a bit more ;-)