Saturday, 18 June 2011

The longest twenty five years

As I sit here in my living room in front of the amber flamed fire, I find myself sharing this note that I randomly came across, a one-off journal/diary/rant note. I wrote this note back in September, 2010 or 07/09/2010 at 16:00 to be precise. Definitely a day of dark clouds and depressing thoughts.

18 years of getting an education. I am 25 years old. Almost 4/5th of my life and more than two thirds of my life has been spent in schools, colleges and universities. I have a decent enough CV, so i think, that would lead me to my chosen profession, or vocation as i would like to believe.

Yet, despite all of this so called learning, i still wait anxiously to greet some good news. MintfreshMuslim, you’re just what we’re looking for, with all the right qualities we require for our school. We feel you have the potential to make progress for yourself and more importantly for the children here who will come to see you as a positive role model. Please start as soon as possible, yes the job is full time and yes, it is yours to keep for good.

If only.

Ever since i left my first and last full time post, i have been hopeful that i will find something suitable. A school that needs me more than it needs me. In reality, things rarely work out how you want, the way you have it sketched out in our mind, or how you dream them up in your subconscious.

My parents had their hopes and expectations of education paying off for the hard work we put in during our growing up years. Don’t give people reason to disgrace us my mum would say. Why it is that this particular command remains constant in my mind and how did i become the one who would ultimately feel humiliated for not being employed.

It hits at you. Picks at you. The get up and go spirit has vanished and is replaced with a demoralising sense of failure. The failure on my part to be able to make something of myself. Despite all the years of sweat and tears to enable me to potentially do something useful with my life.
I pray and pray and pray. and i wait. Trying to wait patiently.

But it is testing. Very testing. My day is full of hopelessness and grey clouds.

And here I am, at the other end of the field, the lighter and brighter side. Well actually, there are still dark clouds, but only the ones in the sky outside my bay windows. Difference is, I now have the inner strength to see the bright blue sky hiding before the clouds, reminding me that nothing stays the same, saying "watch, just watch and find out". Life can change in moments and the thunder you once feared tests you to use the strength in your bones to see the fear through. It can empower you to be more determined in not giving up and to always hold on to the faith passed on through your parents. The faith to have faith in Allah subhanawatallah.

I am still 25 years old, though I don't feel it. I feel somewhat older, after everything that has been going on in my life recently (I feel I am at least 26 years old!). This year has steadied on as a progressive one mashaAllah, where no two months have ever been the same (not that they ever are, huh). And I truly have been blessed to have the support and love of my best friend and confidante, my darling hubby who has helped me get through what felt like some of the darkest months of my life. And of course my dearest and loving family, especially my mother and sisters who have been the backbone of my strength in the past ten months.

For now, I am deeply grateful to Allah for opening the right doors and windows in the events of my life this far and pray that He continues to be in my heart. My life is still happening and I need Him more than ever. I hope that I can continue in my attempt to stick to my New Year's resolution of finding happiness in whatever Allah puts me through, because like everything else preceding it, it too will pass. InshaAllah.

*25 moments in a year of being aged 25 to be noted soon.